Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!
Thank you! Thank you very much!
Thank you!
How you all doing tonight?
It's great to see all of you here.
My name is Charlie Bartlett!
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!
Charlie. Charlie!
Charlie!
Your mom's here.
She's in the dean's office.
Good luck, Charlie. Stay out of trouble.
I'm not sure I understand. Is it his grades?
No, Mrs. Bartlett, it's not his grades and it's not his attendance.
Look, quite frankly, he is one of our brightest boys here at school,
albeit, unusual.
Well, I'm just not sure why he must be expelled, then.
Well, this might shed some light.
You're expelling him for making a driver's license?
He's been running a laminating press from inside his dorm room,
and he has been selling them to the other students.
You have to admit, they look pretty authentic.
Look, Mrs. Bartlett, to be honest, I think he has a lot of potential.
He's innovative, he's intelligent. He's obviously highly motivated.
Perhaps this would be a good time for an endowment.
No. Mrs. Bartlett, what he did was illegal
and we can't overlook that.
- Okay. - Okay.
- I understand. - Good.
Are you mad?
You know, I'm not.
I just can't fathom why you did it. It's not like you needed the money.
I mean, really, Charlie, what would your father say if he were here?
Mom, they were just starting to appreciate me.
You know, I was the guy that everyone wanted to meet.
Well, maybe there's more to high school than being well liked.
Like what, specifically?
Nothing comes to mind.
I guess now we try you living at home and going to public school.
I even kept your room exactly the way you left it.
Hey, Mom, have you been feeding my fish?
Oh, dear.
Mom? I think I might take the bus in tomorrow.
Really? I was going to have Thomas drive you.
I know, but I don't think anybody else is going to show up with a chauffeur.
You're probably right.
- Have you taken your Klonopin today? - I haven't.
- Where do you suppose I put that? - Probably in your purse.
There you are. What would I do without you, Charlie?
And we knew who we were then
Girls were girls and men were men
Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again
Those were the days
Well, it's wonderful to have you back, Charlie.
Thanks, Mom. I missed you, too.
Are you kidding me? Suzy Q!
What? Come in.
Hi. Volume. Thank you.
Hold on, The Principal is here. What do you want, Dad?
Why do you call me The Principal when you're talking to your friends?
Pretending to have contempt for you gives me a certain amount of cred,
if you can understand that.
No, no, no.
Okay, what do you want?
- I wanna say hi. - Hi.
Fresh crack rock.
- God, it's called rock candy. - That was a joke.
I was eating it decades before you were even conceived.
I'll be in my office.
- Love you. - Love you. Bye.
You have two new messages.
Nathan, I think it might be a good idea if I'm there
when you break the news about installing cameras to the kids
so the announcement is taken, you know, seriously.
Next message. - Nathan, it's me.
I'm wondering why Susan hasn't been returning my calls.
Is it of no consequence to you
whether she has a relationship with her mother, you fuck...
I think you got the wrong bus.
Western Summit High School, right?
Okay.
Hi, I'm Charlie.
Hi, Charlie. I'm Len.
Good to meet you, Len.
It's good to meet you, Charlie.
Thank you.
There's just no point in cause unnecessary trouble
Nice tie, homie.
Killer roach, bro.
Move out of the way! Get out!
There's just no point in cause unnecessary trouble
Just make sure you cause trouble when it's necessary
There's just no point in cause unnecessary trouble
They didn't give you a locker in the teachers' lounge?
Oh, I'm not a teacher.
You sure look like a teacher.
Okay, everyone, last chance to sign up. The auditions are today
and will be held at 4:00 and everybody's welcome.
Yeah. And for everyone who doesn't know, this year we're doing Henry V.
And it's Shakespeare, so feel free to read for a role of the opposite sex.
See you at 4:00, professor.
Dense fucking nug, man.
Shit, why are you looking at it like that? You're gonna buy it.
You've done every other time. Just fucking buy it.
Hi, I'm Charlie.
What's that? Is that a briefcase?
Actually, I believe it's an attaché case.
What's that thing on your jacket mean?
Oh, this?
Cor ad cor loquitur. It's in Latin.
I think the translation is,
"Heart speaks to heart," but I may be wrong.
Is he, like, a total faggot or what? Shut up.
Is that a rhetorical question?
Guess not.
Fuck him up!
Fuck, yeah!
Guess what? I think you like that, you little bitch.
How do you like that, you little bitch?
No smokes! Cigarettes out!
What have we here?
Nothing. We're just messing around.
Mr. Bivens, Mr...
You, get to class. Now. Let's go.
Later, homo.
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm so sick of my parents. Like, honestly, I'm 17.
I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's just a hole.
I mean, what does my mom care how many times I get my ears pierced?
The squad doesn't care.
Whitney, I think you should get your na-na pierced.
That's gross, you 'tard.
Hi, I'm Charlie.
Come on.
- Hi, Charlie. - Hey, Len.
Len, you want to join me?
Thank you, Charlie.
I got peas and carrots.
I love peas and carrots. - Me, too.
When, Caius, Rome is thine, thou art poorest of all,
then shortly art thou mine.
And scene.
Thank you. That was stunning.
Charlie Bartlett.
So, which one of Shakespeare's works will you be performing for us?
Actually, I thought I'd do a monologue from Cordiroy Seville's masterpiece,
Misadventures of a Teenage Renegade.
I guess I should tell you
about the first time I had my period.
My daddy was driving me back from summer camp
and I turned to him and I said,
"Daddy, I think I'm sloughing. "
And he said, "That's nice, honey. "
And I realized that he had,
like, no idea just what "sloughing" meant.
So I explained to him that it meant
blood was gushing from my you-know-where.
And he nearly wrecked the car
trying to hand me a wad of fast-food napkins,
which is not something that you
particularly want to stick up your hooch.
Great. Thank you.
I wasn't quite finished, actually.
No. That'll do. Thank you, Charlie.
I'm gonna fuck you up.
- You getting this? - Yeah. I'm getting it.
- Yeah! Fuck him up, Murph! - How does that feel?
I don't care. You know why? Because that was a rhetorical question.
Hey, Charlie, what's Latin for, "I'm a total pussy"?
Let's get out of here.
Charlie, how'd it go? - Stellar.
Did you make any friends?
Okay, you can forget about school tomorrow.
I'm calling Dr. Weathers.
Now, your mom tells me that you've been getting into scrapes with the other boys.
That's the best euphemism
for getting the living crap kicked out of you that I've ever heard.
And why do you suppose that you're being picked on?
I don't know. I'm abnormal, I guess.
You don't feel normal?
My family has a psychiatrist on call. How normal can that be?
How are your classes?
They're all right.
I mean, I have trouble concentrating sometimes.
And what is it that you think about?
I kind of have this one fantasy.
Sexual?
No, not really.
It's just this fantasy of me stepping out on stage,
and there are all these kids out in the audience
chanting my name, like I'm a rock star, you know.
And so, I step up to the mike and I say,
"How you all doing tonight?"
And then they start cheering and cheering.
"It's great to see all of you. I'm Charlie Bartlett.
"And if there's one thing I want you to walk away with tonight,
"it's that the sky is the limit.
"So, for those of you with troubles, for those of you feeling scared,
"or confused or angry,
"remember, you are not alone. "
And then they go nuts again.
Charlie, how are you feeling about your father these days?
Are you angry that he's gone?
- Gas prices. - Excuse me?
I also worry a lot in class about rising gas prices.
Charlie, I'm going to write you a prescription for Ritalin,
and what I'd like you to do is start taking the low dose
and if after a few days you feel no side effects,
then I would like to see you start taking a higher dose.
So you think I have ADD, or...
We won't know that until the Ritalin helps this concentration problem.
You mean, if I take the medicine and it helps me concentrate,
we'll know I have ADD?
That's the idea.
Welcome back, professor.
- Fuck you. - Yeah. Fuck you.
Can anyone tell me why Mercury has only one day per year?
Because Mercury is the only planet that does not rotate on its axis.
Hello. Good morning.
The word of the day is "gratitude. "
"Gratitude: The quality of being thankful,
"readiness to show appreciation for and return kindness. "
As in, if you would all sit down and shut up,
I am prepared to express my gratitude. Thank you.
A lot on the agenda today.
Our superintendent, Mr. Sedgwick, is paying us a visit,
so for my sake, let's be on our best behavior.
First off, the student lounge will be closed Monday,
while we install security cameras.
Yes.
How can you do that? That's, like, invasion of privacy.
There's a liability issue,
and I'm afraid the board has already passed the motion.
Anyway, I would now like to give Mr. Sedgwick the floor
to discuss our cell phone policy.
But the student lounge is the only place we can hang out without teachers.
Are there cameras in the teachers' lounge?
Hang out?
Okay, we've already moved on to the cell phone policy.
There will be ample opportunity to discuss that later, but right now...
This is total and absolute bullshit!
Come on.
Right. Right.
You know, you kids really need to find appropriate ways
to express your ingratitude.
Mr. Sedgwick?
The...
Come on, guys, it's nothing. It's just a fire drill.
Proceed outside in an orderly fashion.
Let's not have a stampede.
They don't have much respect for you, do they?
In case you haven't noticed, they're not too fond of you, either.
I said respect, Nathan, not affection.
We're not trying to win a popularity contest.
I'm really looking forward to us having the weekend alone.
I thought maybe we could go to a wine tasting.
We haven't done that since you were a kid.
- Maybe. - Maybe?
- You haven't touched your food. - I'm not hungry, Mom.
I'm studying the osmosis of water through the epidermis.
Now, I cooked a perfectly edible meal, Charlie Bartlett.
I'm feeling a little under-appreciated at the moment.
And I think it's very important that you try to at least eat your greens.
Dear, didn't Dr. Weathers say something yesterday about fluid?
What did he say about...
Are you listening to me?
Hello!
Can anybody up there hear me?
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Charlie, is that you?
Wake up, you sleepyheads, wake up!
Wake up! Wake up! My name is Charlie Bartlett,
and I am not alone!
Now, there's no history of drug use whatsoever, Mrs...
It's Marilyn. Please, no need to be formal here.
And drug use? No, none at all.
Well, it looks like he's coming down some.
I'm not an MD, but it is possible for Ritalin to get you pretty high.
That's probably what it is. It is a new medication.
It is a new medication New medication
Charlie, dear.
Yeah, as I was saying, a lot of the kids at the colleges are taking this stuff.
When I was in college, we were dropping tabs of acid.
I've never partaken in any illicit drugs myself.
Maybe...
Maybe you got slapped around too many times
for lunch money on your way to the bus.
Maybe your pop's got a boozing... No.
Maybe your pop...
Maybe your pop's gotta booze himself up every morning.
Maybe your father has to, how do you say,
plow roads with a sense of humor.
I mean, he has to booze himself up.
With a sense of humor.
- Morning. - Good morning.
Hey, Charlie. - Hey.
- Hey, Charlie. - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Len. - Hey, Charlie.
Len, do you feel like making 50 bucks after school today?
Fifty bucks.
Hey!
What the hell is this?
- Charlie wants to talk to you. - Suck this, mongoloid.
Get the hell off me! Fuck!
Hi, Murphy. How are you?
You must have a fucking death wish!
Charlie says you gotta be nice.
Look, Murph, I think we got started off on the wrong foot.
- I want to work things out. - I'm gonna put you in the fucking hospital.
- Len. - Fuck.
Len.
Listen, Murph, I've had a lot of time to think about what you did to me.
Yeah? What did you come up with, genius?
I think you're angry, man.
What have I got to be angry about?
Maybe you got slapped around one too many times
for lunch money on your way to the bus.
Maybe your pop's gotta booze himself up every morning
so he can plow roads with a sense of humor.
Then when he gets home, you're just
a distant third to Sloppy Joes and a bad sitcom.
Maybe the cheerleaders call you a scumbag behind your back.
Maybe it's because the school's got you placed on the remedial track
and your teachers are really good at making you feel like an idiot.
Maybe it's none of these things.
Maybe it's all of them.
- What do you want from me? - I wanna be your friend, Murphy.
Okay, maybe you're not a total tool,
but guys like you and guys like me can't be friends.
- Why's that? - I take the train tracks home.
- You drive around in a limo. - I guess you're right.
Look, I got 90 pills of Ritalin that we could sell at the dance.
Maybe we're just gonna have to settle for being business partners.
What do these do?
Floods the brain with norepinephrine and dopamine.
It gets you high.
So, I figure $10 a pill, right?
We split the profit,
which means you make almost 500 bucks without spending a nickel.
Business partners, huh?
So, 1:00, right?
What? What happens at 1:00?
- My curfew, at 1:00. - Where are you going?
The dance, Dad. I'm going to the dance. I told you last week.
- Have you given up your singing? - No. Why?
I don't know, just... You've got a great voice.
I used to love coming home to hear you singing in the other room.
That's how I knew you were happy, I guess.
Happily texting, ignoring this intimate exchange.
Who's that? Who are you texting?
Rodine's outside.
Have fun.
- I will. So, 2:00, right? - Nice try.
God, I liked you better when you were a history teacher.
That makes two of us.
- I'll see you guys in a minute. - Okay.
- Hey, Susan. - Hey.
So, you think there's any chance of a dance tonight, or...
I'd say there's a distinct possibility, Charlie Bartlett.
Hey.
- So, how did we do? - Well, it's gone.
- Gone? - All of it. Every last pill.
It's gone.
- Well, shit. - Yeah.
Superman!
Eighty-eight miles per hour!
Fucking A!
Hey, Charlie. What's up, man?
God damn right, it's a beautiful day Uh-huh
Hey, man.
Uh-huh
God damn right, it's a beautiful day Uh-huh
- This sucks. - Seriously sucks.
Thank you.
Charlie, you want to sign this petition?
It's to get the security cameras out of our student lounge.
Oh, absolutely.
- It's right here. - All right.
- Thanks. - No problem.
See you later, Charlie.
- Hey, girls. You gonna sign this? - Yeah.
Hi.
- You're Charlie Bartlett, right? - Yeah.
I'm Kip. Kip Crombwell.
Nice to meet you, Kip.
Yeah.
Do you think there's any way that we could maybe talk in private?
Sure.
Everyone, come on, this petition gets those cameras out of our lounge.
So, what's up?
Is it true that you can get a hold of medication?
Yeah, I guess. Why? What's going on?
I'm, like, totally depressed.
I've been having these spells, and trouble breathing,
mostly in class.
What does it feel like?
It feels like a heart attack.
But I'm thinking, you know, it's probably mental.
And I can't go to my parents about it,
because they already think I'm a freak, so I just thought that you...
Look, I'm not a doctor, but...
I don't know if Ritalin's gonna help you.
Do you know what would?
I'm not sure.
But I'm gonna find out.
I'm gonna work this out, I promise.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I get short of breath and dizzy, you know, nausea, blurred vision.
I mean, sometimes it feels like a heart attack.
Yeah, we call that a panic attack.
Oh, is that what they call it?
Well, what can we do?
Well, I think maybe I'll put you on a low dose of
Xanax and Zoloft.
Okay, so, here's the thing. In everything that I've read,
there's not one case of anyone dying of a panic attack.
- No? - No. Not one.
So the next time you start to feel anxious, you just tell yourself,
"Hey, I'm having a panic attack. I'm not gonna die.
"In fact, in 15 minutes, I'll probably feel fine. "
What do I do until then?
Murph, start him on 50 milligrams of Zoloft
and half a milligram of Xanax as needed.
Here, Kip, this should provide you with some relief
and we'll just meet next week, same time, same place, okay?
- Thank you, Charlie. - No problem. Be nice, Murphy.
Charlie, I spoke to Dr. Weathers today.
He said you may have not only ADD,
but a whole battery of psychological disorders
that will likely plague you for life.
Sounds a bit melodramatic, don't you think?
That's what I said.
Then he went on to imply that you may have inherited it from me.
I was rather perturbed.
I mean, look at me. I'm as fit as a fucking fiddle.
Can't argue with that.
Are you making any friends at all?
Working on it.
He says he doesn't want to see me.
I can't stop crying.
Well, sometimes people say one thing and they really mean another, like...
He called me a loser, and last night he hit my mom.
You have to understand that what he's doing isn't because of you.
He hates his life so much that...
All I wanna do is drop acid. I just can't handle this place.
Duh, dude. This place sucks.
But I just worry that one day we're gonna look back at high school
and wish we'd done something different.
So maybe you should...
Get breast implants.
I mean, a lot of my friends are getting them.
Well, that's up to you, but speaking as a guy,
it's kind of a turnoff when a girl isn't cool with being herself.
I'm not saying that I'm gay.
So what if, you know, I'm not attracted to girls?
You know, this sucks, man.
Well, at least you're attracted to somebody.
I mean, if you weren't, then we'd really be up shit's creek.
I feel very productive, and I can't sleep at all.
I lose weight, and I'm given to frivolous spending
and promiscuity.
Wow. What I'd like to do is...
Introduce you to some of the serotonergic antidepressants,
like Prozac.
What else can you tell me about...
Feelings of depersonalization and boredom.
Anger and aggression. Irritability.
Obsessive behavior is I guess what you guys call it.
Like, whenever I hear anyone say a word that starts with the letter...
I have to say five words that start with the letter "V"
and tap my head with my right hand.
Perhaps we should start with...
Viagra! Virgin! Venal! Vagabond! Vagina!
Ain't I clean, bad machine super cool, super mean
Feelin' good for the man Superfly, here I stand
Secret stash, heavy bread
- Thanks. - No problem.
You're in luck.
We're running a special on Wellbutrin today.
I'm your pusherman
Heavy mind Have you signed?
Is there something wrong with the other bathroom?
Yo!
Ghetto prince is my thing Makin' love's how I swing
I'm your pusherman
Hi, Charlie!
- Hi, Charlie! - Hi, Charlie!
Hi.
I'm so glad to hear that you're doing better, Charlie.
The truth is, we sometimes don't know
how you youngsters are gonna react to these medications.
Trust me, Doc, bringing psychiatric drugs and teenagers together
is like opening a lemonade stand in the desert.
Can you shut the fuck up for one second? We're working here. Shit.
- Whatever, man. - Fuck.
Murph, is that my face making that sound?
Yeah. It's kind of sad, dude. You didn't even put up a fight.
What did you tape this for, anyway?
I always have my fights taped. It's what I do.
Really?
Yeah, man, they're fun to watch in, like, a Greatest Rodeo Deaths kind of way.
You don't feel bad for the kids or anything?
Bad?
Kind of.
Well, what do you want me to do?
- Maybe we should make it up to them? - Dude, are you serious?
Charlie Bartlett Productions brings you...
Starring Murphy Bivens!
Bert Bannister!
Hammer!
Terry Gotham!
Phuc Nguyen!
Charlie Bartlett! And Kip Crombwell,
the kid whose name you probably didn't know.
Right here on Western Summit High's Greatest After School Fights!
Watch Murphy Bivens' fists of fury pummel your best friends.
Get them while they last! Bert Bannister hit in the face!
Charlie Bartlett punched in the eye!
Instant gratification or your money back!
Ladies and gentlemen, we are almost out!
- Hey, Charlie. - Kip. Hey.
I heard that you were giving us some of the proceeds?
You heard right, my friend. Murph?
There you go. Pleasure doing business with you.
- Hey, Murph. - Come on.
Murph.
- I'll see you in the sequel, bitch! - Thank you.
Sequel coming out this fall!
Ladies and gentlemen, even better than this one!
Charlie Bartlett to the principal's office.
So, you're the infamous Charlie Bartlett. We haven't officially met yet.
I'm Nathan Gardner, your beloved principal,
and this is our superintendent, Mr. Sedgwick,
who made a special visit to meet you.
Is it safe to assume you know why you're here?
No, not exactly.
This might well be the most disturbing thing I've ever seen at this school.
Peddling this kind of trash makes you reprehensible.
Do you know what "reprehensible" means?
- Yes, sir. - Do you understand what you did wrong?
No, sir. Not really.
Not really? Okay.
Well, you've got three days of suspension to think about it.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, aren't you suspended?
- Yeah. - Nice.
Hey, do you wanna hang out? - Sure.
- Cool. Come inside. - Thank you.
Do you want to spend an evening at Château Bartlett?
Yes.
Thomas, Château Bartlett, please.
Is this technically considered a mansion?
Well, my mom calls it "The Estate. "
Oh. La-di-da.
Oh, can you play this one?
Yeah.
Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million things to be
You know that there are
And if you want to live high, live high
And if you wanna live low, live low
You can do what you want
The opportunity's on
And if you find a new way
You can do it today
Hi, Mom.
Oh, yeah. Mom, this is Susan.
Susan, this is my mother, Marilyn.
It's such a pleasure to meet you, Susan.
Yeah, you too, Marilyn.
- She seems very nice. - Yeah.
Do I get to meet your dad, too?
No, he's actually not with us anymore.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Yeah. It's okay.
He was a CIA agent, you know. Yeah.
He survived Somalia, Yugoslavia, Iraq.
Finally, he came home, you know,
and our favorite thing to do together was to get ice cream.
So, one day, I was just sitting around
and I heard the ice cream truck outside
and it always played the same song,
Yankee Doodle.
So, basically, he ran out to stop the truck and it just
drove right over him and killed him instantly.
Are you fucking with me?
Yankee Doodle went to town
riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni
- Bravo. Really. - Thank you.
You're too kind.
Say, George, just one more will do.
Thanks.
- How you doing, Nate? - Hi, Bert.
What's going on? How you been?
Good.
Listen, Nate,
do you know this Charlie Bartlett kid?
A bit. Why do you ask?
You're not gonna like it.
- What? - Get off the phone.
- Hang up the phone. - Okay.
- Thank you. - I'll call you right back.
You're gonna shut down this power grid, please, for one second.
Thank you.
And the TV.
Whatever.
What?
Are you seeing a boy named Charlie Bartlett?
Well, if you know I am, why are you asking?
I don't know, but now I do. Okay?
What does he want?
Are you drunk?
Do you expect me to qualify that with an answer?
Be really careful right now. I'm not kidding.
I met this kid. I was a teenage boy once...
You know what? I would understand if you were drunk, Dad,
- because you're acting like a jackass! - Sweetie, be open to the possibility
that he would love to tell his friends how he...
Oh, how he what?
You know.
- No. How he what? - Yes. You know what.
How he... With the principal's daughter.
Come on.
Shit.
Wow.
Thanks for the wonderful compliment, Dad.
Come on, obviously, that came out wrong.
Sure did.
Time to get up, Charlie.
I don't have to go anywhere, Mom. I'm suspended.
I am aware of that.
Come on. Get dressed. We're visiting your father today.
Thank you, Thomas.
Charlie?
You come in when you're ready, dear.